Bonus Time

It’s important to celebrate the little things. I get reminded of that nearly every day at this point in my life. Things like:

• How good it feels to clean out your ears with a warm Q-tip
• The magic of Potato/Leek Soup
• Coming home to the greeting of a dog
• Clothes that fit

This is a ‘living simply’ time for me, and one that increasingly is becoming a life choice more than a necessity. It’s a fitting line of thinking for me in this Ayyami-Ha season. A new beginning. Keep only what you need and only that which works. Jettison the rest and revel in the freedom and bliss that comes from simplicity. Let that freedom create the ability to respond to magical moments in life.

One of those magical moments happened this weekend, in fact. M had a date with her Mother to see the OBT professional dancers perform on Saturday. That left R with nothing to do on a Saturday night. I was informed that he could spend the evening with me if he wished; he wished; and so did I.

Now, full disclosure: I had planned to spend some evening time with my friend, D. This was, after all, my “weekend off”, so I’d planned some clothes shopping*, a trip to IKEA**, and a Saturday evening meal with D.

With the opportunity to spend time with R popping up short-notice, it was easy to adjust. D thought roller skating would be a lot of fun, so we merged everything. R tagged along on our meal / D tagged along on the impromptu boys night out, and I got to spend great social time with two delightfully witty and intelligent human beings. To watch R’s emerging mastery of sarcasm go toe-to-toe with D’s mastery of irony as a comedy device, was really cool. While I certainly could have joined in, it was much more fun to keep quiet, let them spar, and enjoy their fun. It was really, really cool for me to watch the two of them get acquainted. My son will do well in the world as he grows up. I can rest easy in that.

It was an Ayyami-Ha night. Celebrations all around, in ways that match the style of the individual members of the family.  Simple. Joyous. Freeing.

It was Bonus Time. And such a bonus it was. A “Bounty of Bonus” one might say…

Throughout this week, the kids and I will consult on a plan for our weekend together coming up. I wonder what else we can incorporate for Bonus Time?

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* I’m slowly gathering up some ‘skinny’ clothes to fit my svelter self. Right now, I’m wearing size 30 waists where I used to wear 33 waists. Needless to say, the old pants are pretty saggy when they’re 3-4 inches too big in the waist.

** My first trip to IKEA for me. Overwhelming without a guide.

Home or Away?

Spring Training baseball starts in a few days. I love going to spring training games. I thought, last year, that I finally had a mechanism in place for the family that would allow for some spring ball every year. But that fell apart, didn’t it? I’m not complaining; I’m just registering my personal disappointment… and my understanding that, as the Rolling Stones put it, “you can’t always get what you want.”

We’re at the beach this weekend, the kids and I. It’s a three day weekend for the kids; I took a vacation day on Monday, and we’ve been here since M finished ballet rehearsal. The question I’ve been pondering is this: am I at Home? Or am I Away?

Where exactly is Home? What constitutes Home?  My folks have owned this property for 30 years. Chances are good that the property will stay in the family beyond them. This has been the place to visit my folks for longer than all other addresses combined. I may not have gone to school in this community as a child, but there’s MUCH more sense of home for me here than anywhere else.

Hillsboro is my home town for school and the like. But I only lived there for twelve years and have been away for more than twice as long. So much has changed in that town that I only recognize vague pieces of the place nowadays.

So where is Home?

On the one hand: according to the Post Office and the law, Home is where I get my mail. That’s a reasonable distinction. In that case, my Home is in the city. But that seems like a rather tenuous thread to Home.

On the other hand: I tell colleagues, friends and neighbors in my community that we’re “going away” to the beach. Except, I’m really going home, aren’t I? I’m more “away” when I’m in the city, living in my city house, going to my city job. Given the choice to retire today, would I stay in the city or go to the beach full-time? Odds are I’d go to the beach. So… where exactly is Home?

My folks live here. But that’s not exactly why it qualifies as Home. Parents move to new places. The post-parenting home is not always a place the children will call home for themselves. Retirement communities, snowbird lifestyles, and the like, are more like Away than Home. I have some friends who, for a variety of circumstances, are living with their parents for the time-being. They don’t necessarily feel like they’re Home. There’s more to Home than where the Parents are.

In baseball, each team gets to play half of their games in their home venue. The other half – the road games – are spread out amongst about two dozen various stadiums. No player knows a field better than their home field. They can play their best there, if for no other reason than their familiarity with the place. Is that the city? Not necessarily. Is it the beach? Very likely. I’ve much more time spent at the beach. I’ve more connection to the place. My children, myself, and my parents include this place as a part of our personal identity. In fact, this place has drawn four generations of my family into it’s loving embrace. From my grandmother Iola, right down to my two kids.

Yesterday, the kids and I climbed up the hillside at the Cape. It’s a big sand dune, this particular Cape. M was telling me that it was the first time she’d gone all the way to the summit. She’d been on the dune face many times before, but not over the summit because she needed a grownup with her. I qualified, so over the top we went. As we climbed the dune, I shared with M that I’d been climbing that dune since I was her age – ten years old. Then, I shared that she, at the age when I started coming here, could say “I’ve been climbing this dune for my WHOLE LIFE!” I think that qualifies as Home.

So, today, when we drive back to town, we’ll be going away. It was nice to have a weekend home stand with the entire category 3 Typhoon Johnson. This little community may not be much, but like the Rolling Stones said with their next thought: “if you try some time, you’ll find, you get what you need!”

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R goes Electric

R has been struggling to keep up with his homework. Not because he's buried in it, but because he's been having trouble focusing on it. Working from two different households, learning a new rhythm, and spending a number of days sleeping on the couch instead of in his room didn't help.

Nevertheless, some things now seem to have him on an upward slope:

1. We've upped his ADD meds slightly. It's not unexpected that he's got a bit of a tolerance for the meds. He takes a VERY small dose compared to some of the other kids in his similar position.
2. He's back in his room, with his things.
3. He's looking forward to time at the Beach Compound with all of us: the Three Johnsketeers, the Grandparents, and Teddy & Tilly.
4. Last night, he was invited to spar on electrics with the rest of the 'guys' after class.

Because R had his homework caught up, we could stay late and spar. He was all sorts of excited when Zach told him to put on a lame' jacket. He's fenced electric before, but this was full on sparring with the big guys. What ended up happening is that R and I sparred each other on a second strip, in parallel with the competitive types. It was good. R's working on a fourth parry / disengage/ riposte move that's accurate and whip-fast in execution. When he throws his lightning-fast super-long lunge behind the riposte, he's very dangerous -- pushes right through anyone else's parry and getting the point on the continuation. Soon to be overwhelming, that move! So we worked on that. It would seem that he was pleased to be there, pleased to have been promoted. 

I drove home a young man who was focused, thinking well, and all together in his organization. It was nice. For us both.

Readying Valentines at the PCC library on Date Night.

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R sparring

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The Famlitution

At least, that's what M calls it.

We're writing a Family Constitution. Establishing our own set of beliefs, inalienable rights, expectations, and operating protocols. We started over the weekend, and captured a much more complete first pass than I expected. Given that both kids have some some study of The US Constitution in school already, and have contributed to the creation of a classroom constitution, the process of writing out a "Famlitution" was quite familiar to them. Upon suggesting a Constitution, I was met with an immediate, kind-hearted debate over which child got to write the preamble. This debate quickly "devolved" into the two of them riffing off each other, framing the preamble on the spot. Yeah. It was like that...I had to write fast and memorize the rest, lest we miss something.

So now we have a preamble, and ten "articles." Among the articles are:  "Personal Safety, Privacy and Dignity", "Communicating and Listening", "Openness and Honesty", "Integrity", "Family Decision-Making", "Grievances", "Who Makes Up the Family?" Among others. We discuss broad-stroke thinking on what we expect, and what might be done for discipline. We discuss how we make decisions and who gets to vote, and when. We discuss what to do when someone brings a challenging belief or idea to the family. When do we accept an Idea? When do we reject an Idea? How do we reject an Idea without rejecting the Person bringing it? The children themselves brought up the idea of family citizenship and how we allow someone to become a family member. I thought that was amazingly broad-minded of them.

It was an interesting process, and I got the sense that it did two things:

1. created an immediate sense of increased belonging, safety and influence in their surroundings, and
2. rekindled a sense of intimacy and caring between the siblings.

The rules would be made clear, and they both could hold the other accountable to those rules. Why? because they were written down. They didn't need to bicker through each momentary issue because they'd have a written document to use. They could each check the issue against the Famlitution for a self-ruling before even bringing up the topic.

A good thing, this Family Constitution.

Off to dance rehearsal

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