Thanks go to our friend, MC, who held C’s hand at the doctor’s today. The biopsy was ‘normal.’ There definitely isn’t any cancer. There may even be no polyps. The doc will do a scope procedure to make 100% sure.
Prayer was Soooo appreciated. Thanks to all who helped with prayers.
We dread these close calls, these near-misses, these trips to defcon 1 followed by an unceremonious stand-down. It sucks. And the thought of ignoring these things only to lose my wife to cancer sucks infinitely more.
C arranged a day trip rafting on the White Salmon River for the family. It was a much-needed day of play and family bonding, to be sure.
We drove up to White Salmon, Washington, and followed the river upstream to the town of BZ Corner, where Zoller’s Outdoor Odysseys (www.zooraft.com) has their headquarters. We got there plenty early, so we ate some lunch and relaxed. When the time came, we – and about 25 other people – were given orientation, suited up in wetsuits, helmets and booties, and loaded into rafts at the put-in.
Keenan was the guide for our raft. R, M C and I made up the bulk of our raft. Our new friends, Nathan and Lisa filled out the crew. Keenan is a middle school teacher; perfect to handle a boat with 
two elementary school aged kids on the crew!
We put Lisa and Nathan in the very front. C and I took the middle spot; R and M hung out in the back row, right in front of Keenan. Now, Keenan wouldn’t let the kids paddle through the class 4’s at the top of the route, but he was full of geology, history, and ecology information. The two precocious kids just devoured his steady stream of facts and information. We saw lava tubes, drank spring water, took the raft into a cave, spotted an osprey nest, and all other manner of cool things on the river.
Now, C and I have rafted this river once before. About two-thirds of the way down (you can see it on the map above) is a rapid labeled Husum Falls. This is a 12 foot vertical drop waterfall just under the bridge in the town of Husum. The rafts can take the Falls when the water is slow, like it is in late August. C and I had never taken the Falls plunge. So we were eager to do so. Unfortunately, liability prohibits ZOO from taking those under the age of 18 over the Falls. R and M had to shuttle out of our raft, and walk around the falls. That news really angered R. He pouted for a while. Nevertheless, Keenan held us back until he was sure the kids would be stationed to watch us all defy death with a waterfall plunge.
Of course, the whole family had just watched Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull the night before at Laurelhurst Park. Remember the scene where they all go over the waterfalls (three times!)? That was on our minds. But, hey! Ours was only 12 feet!
When the time came, we paddled cross current, and into the channel. We paddled HARD to get as much speed as possible. Then, at the last second, Keenan told us to “GET DOWN”. We all dropped down low, grabbed the handles, and rode it out.
The raft went over pretty gracefully, really. As the nose dropped first, the raft bent in the middle. As soon as it could, the stern snapped up to make the raft straight again. That gave the back row of riders (C and I) and the guide a bit of a catapult effect. We all stayed in the boat, but C did pop out of her hunker. When the raft hit the bottom, she foundered, submerging completely and getting poured full of water from the Falls. It takes a couple seconds for the raft to regain its buoyancy and start moving downstream, but that’s just fine. It’s worth savoring the success.
At the bottom of the Falls, the kids were transferred back to our raft. C was elated. I suspect she really needed to have a personal victory – a conquest – to raise her spirits. Things have been so darned challenging lately. M was excited by our adventure; R was clearly pouting that he had to stay out.
Well, Keenan had a plan to make it up to the kids. From Husum Falls down, the rapids are pretty tame and predictable. In fact, you can sort of play around in the rapids. So we did!
There was “Ride the Bull”, where one sits on the bow of the raft with ones feet hanging over the front. You look like a hood ornament up there. Naturally, you stay in that position as you ride the rapids for a thrilling ride. R and M did a bit of that. R was too preoccupied with pouting, though. M rode the bull for the rest of the trip, however.
And, there’s a rapid (Zoller Zap on the map above) that is easily floated. M wanted to float down the rapid, so I joined her. We jumped out of the raft at the top of the rapids, got our toes sticking out in front of us, and floated the waves with our feet pointed downstream, holding hands. It was fun! M is such an adventurous sort. She loves this stuff. Keenan pulled M back into the raft; C hauled me back into the boat. Yep, we milked that trip for every participatory experience we could muster.
Dinner was a slow-paced gnosh at a patio restaurant in Husum where they serve greek food and let a Bantam rooster serenade the guests with his crows.
We definitely needed a day like this one. Because, tomorrow we find out about the biopsy results…
So, I’ve heard a rumor that My mother-in-law might be getting married after all. She’s been in Alaska all summer, with her beau. The smoke signals say they’re getting married on a boat, on the ocean, before they come back to Seattle for the winter.
I hope the utmost of happiness for her.
The timing and location seems to make it very difficult for any relatives in the lower 48 to attend the ceremony.
C’s doctor called her today with news. That the doctor called was a complete surprise, as we’re not through the two-week wait on biopsy results.
We’re not all done yet, but the news has certainly changed to something else. Here’s what we now know:
C gave me this news as I arrived home this evening. Now, four hours later, I’m thinking more clearly than I have in days. I wonder why that … oh, I know why. I seem able to breathe once again.
It has taken me most of this week to get unemotional enough to write this entry.
C is working quite closely with her oncologist right now, and not really in a good way. Now, I don’t want to be alarmist; I want to convey my upbeat attitude about this, but… four years after C completed breast cancer treatment, the docs are having another look. And *not* at the original site.
Now, according to the docs involved, odds are very high that we’re just talking about ‘polyps’ – just like those you hear about on the news as elder politicians are released from Bethesda Naval Hospital after having a routine outpatient procedure to remove them. Happens all the time. Polyps are benign and generally routine. Polyps also have an increased likelihood of occurring when you take the specific post-cancer meds that C happens to take. So, really, polyps should come as no surprise.
But… and this is where I don’t want to get alarmist – there is a small but real risk that it’s not polyps, that it’s a malignant tumor. Benign polyps are a statistical shoo-in for someone without a history of cancer; For C, though…odds of a metastatic tumor are somewhat higher. Afterall, she’s defied the odds before, and her cancer had made it into the lymphatic system back in 2005. It’s like the cold war; we’re on constant low-level alert. Then, any time any thing that ‘could be cancer’ comes up, we all go DEFCON 1 and get edgy about everything. Can’t help it – cancer cells are the enemy and they just might be rattling their sabres at us.
If, God forbid, it is malignant, then the treatment is some pretty aggressive surgical removal. Again, relatively routine abdominal surgery, but somewhat more drastic in nature. No chemo, no radiation. Just surgery, and a 98% survivability.
We’ll know the biopsy results in a bit more than one week.
So, C will likely undergo a procedure in September. Chances are, it’ll be one of those routine outpatient procedures. But… but… but…..
Many Baha’is will know this prayer. One key sentence (in italics) makes up a Baha’i song that has been used quite a bit in the Oregon community (and I suspect much more widely than just Oregon)
All praise be to Thee, O my God, for the things Thou didst ordain for me through Thy decree and by the power of Thy sovereignty. I beseech Thee that Thou wilt fortify both myself and them that love me in our love for Thee, and wilt keep us firm in Thy Cause. I swear by Thy might! O my God! Thy servant's shame is to be shut out as by a veil from Thee, and his glory is to know Thee. Armed with the power of Thy name nothing can ever hurt me, and with Thy love in my heart all the world's afflictions can in no wise alarm me.
Send down, therefore, O my Lord, upon me and upon my loved ones that which will protect us from the mischief of those that have repudiated Thy truth and disbelieved in Thy signs.
(Baha'u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha'u'llah, p. 207)
My children – unbidden by others – have been singing this prayer at all sorts of times throughout the day. They understand the uncertainty; they’re pouring into the family’s pool of energy with prayer, song, and their full, abundant hearts. For that, I am deeply grateful.
Armed with the power of Thy name nothing can ever hurt me…
Regardless of the imperfections of their parents, these two young people are emerging as wonderful, caring and world-changing individuals. I’m proud of them for the loving courage they’re bringing to this.
and with Thy love in my heart all the world's afflictions can in no wise alarm me.
Following up on my blog post from back in January about the NYFed’s economic models [link to previous post]. Recall this critical statement from that report: “there is almost no possibility that the economy will be in recession by the middle of this year according to the Fed's model, which has accurately predicted the last 7 recessions, back to 1960.”
So here’s what’s in the news today, as the economic numbers for the exact middle of the year start coming to light. From CNN Money:
“Economic indicators index jump [sic] 0.6% in July according to the Conference Board, in the latest sign of possible recovery.
“An index of economic indicators rose in July for a fourth straight month, in another sign that the recession is bottoming…
“The Leading Economic Index rose 0.6% in July, after a 0.8% increase the previous month…
"The indicators suggest that the recession is bottoming out, and that economic activity will likely begin recovering soon…
“The Leading Economic Index is based on 10 components, six of which increased in July...
“This index reading is the latest sign of a nascent recovery. Earlier this month, the Federal Reserve released a statement that said the economy is "leveling out." The central bank cautioned that activity will remain weak in the near term, but it marked the Fed's most bullish assessment of the economy in more than a year.
Looking at the NY Fed’s data now, we’ve gone from a 40% likelihood of an upcoming recession in Nov 2007, to 4% in February 2009 (when I originally posted), and nothing higher than 1% probability since February. Projecting out into next year, the number drifts down to a 0% in April, 2010, then stays there to the end of the projection.
There is still much to be diligent about. The real estate issues are huge weights on the current economy. Nevertheless, things seem to be going as projected after all.
Because, today, I could use a little more magic in my life.
And, a 40 year celebration of the Haunted Mansion
At dinner time, Aki and the whole family took a long, leisurely walk in Laurelhurst Park Monday. The kids were happy and joyful with her. It was clear that she was struggling. Even on double morphines, she could only walk about 100 feet before she needed a 5 minute rest. But she SOOO wanted to be on the walk with us all. We sat in the grass, and watched the clouds go by. Aki sat, as always, with her attention tuned to whatever happened behind our backs, protecting us from anything that might sneak up from behind.
As I walked Aki back to the house, she was really struggling to walk. Trying to do her a kindness, I first tried to cross the street and go immediately into the alley – the most direct route home. Aki had another idea. See, she always preferred to go home the long way, walking down the tree-lined Oak Street, then approaching the house from the alley on the side opposite the park. Oak Street was her favorite, without a doubt, so it shouldn’t have surprised me when she – realizing my plan – dug in and refused to go anywhere but down Oak Street. It took a second or two to understand what she meant with her behavior. And when I did, there was naturally no other choice but to walk home by way of Oak Street one last time. Even if it meant carrying her the last bit home. I didn’t have to carry her afterall, but it was darned close.
Back at the house, the vet met us in the back yard. As she set up for the procedure, Aki – lying down because she couldn’t stand after the walk - had steak fillet and salmon for dinner, followed by a big bowl of ice cream. Two bowls, actually… we vamped because the vet needed more time to answer all of C's questions.
Then, it was time to get started.
The vet used a two-stage procedure: a big dose of sedative, wait 20 minutes; then an overdose of anesthetic. We gave Aki a THIRD bowl of ice cream for the sedative shot. She licked the bowl clean with eyes drooping, fighting sleep. She got that bowl clean, though. Then she sighed and drifted off to sleep with all four of us gently petting her.
Snoring, softly.
R, being the technical-minded twelve year old boy he is, was fascinated by the process. He was asking questions of the vet and she took the opportunity to talk him through not only each step, but also how each step fit into the entire procedure. She explained each piece of equipment and what it did. When she tied on the tourniquet to raise a vein, she showed him what she was looking for and let him feel it too. He asked her, "if we didn't do anything more after the sedative, would she ever wake up?" The vet answered that she would indeed, but that it would take almost 24 hours.
When the time came for the anesthetic, she asked, kindly, "we can proceed whenever you feel ready enough." R spoke first, saying "I'm NEVER going to be ready, but we need to do this. Me being ready isn't the point. I vote 'now'" And do we did we all. And with quiet tears from me, C and M - but fascination with the IV from R - the vet gave Aki the anesthetic.
Aki's soft snoring breathing just.....stopped. No rattling breaths, no flinches or twitches to startle the kids, just a gentle cessation. It took a full minute or two for the kids to really realize she'd gone. Nothing had happened. Nothing dramatic, anyway. Only peacefulness.
After the vet confirmed that she had passed, w picked her up and put her in the minivan for the trip to Banks. The kids opted not to go on the trip to bury her; they stayed with friends close by to home while we finished the task.
Once we got to the farm, C and I were met by my sister who stayed up late to help us. We placed Aki in a grove of trees where about a half-dozen other family dogs have been buried. We placed her with a toy, and three bouquets of flowers, on top of one of her favorite blankets. Then we planted a Galaxy bush to mark her spot. Aki had been to the farm a number of times while alive; she liked it there.
On Tuesday morning, M said that she was glad she was brave enough to stay for the whole thing. She said it wasn't scary at all. It was sad, but not scary. Aki got to go on with dignity, surrounded by her family. Having had to put a cat in extreme duress down in a veterinary office with no advanced warning, C and I knew what the alternative can be like. We were heartened to hear M's perspective. That, afterall, was what we wanted to achieve in honoring and aiding Aki's passing.
M's cell phone now carries a new charm -- the heart-shaped dog license from Aki's collar.
Tonight, a week later, I came home from work and was startled to find that there was no dog blocking my path, greeting me. I stepped around her presence anyway, confident that her spirit was both here, and amongst the trees in Banks, all at the same time.
From the Technology Review, published by MIT:
“Tests prove the feasibility of using nuclear reactors to provide electricity on the moon and Mars.
“Researchers at NASA and the Department of Energy recently tested key technologies for developing a nuclear fission reactor that could power a human outpost on the moon or Mars. The tests prove that the agencies could build a "safe, reliable, and efficient" system by 2020, the year NASA plans to return humans to the moon.
“Nuclear power is being considered for lunar and Mars missions because, unlike alternatives such as solar power, it can provide constant energy, a necessity for human life-support systems, recharging rovers, and mining for resources. Solar power systems would also require the use of energy storage devices like batteries or fuel cells, adding unwanted mass to the system. Solar power is further limited because the moon is dark for up to 14 days at a time and has deep craters that can obscure the sun. Mars is farther away from the sun than either the Earth or the moon, so less solar power can be harvested there.
“To generate electricity, the researchers used a liquid metal to transfer the heat from the reactor to the Stirling engine.
“’They are very efficient and robust, and we believe [it] can last for eight years unattended,’ says Lee mason, the principal investigator of the project”
Most everyone following the family blog knows that M studies ballet. She’s been taking dance classes since she was three years old or so. She danced ballet exclusively for a couple years at Tigard’s Westside Dance Academy. Then, a year ago, we went looking for another dance school. There were some blog posts back at that time, too.
Last Fall, for a number of reasons, we chose to look around for 
another ballet school. Blog posts at that time explain why. On one day, while we were shopping around, M attended an open audition day at the School of Oregon Ballet Theater (SOBT) last Fall. Oregon Ballet Theater is the premiere ballet company in Oregon. The school is held in equally high regard, regularly sending students on from po-dunk Oregon to Julliard, and other college dance programs. It was worth a shot; we dared not get our hopes up. We parents were, to be honest, intimidated as all get-out by the audition.
M was accepted. Apparently, M was anything but intimidated. We enrolled her.
At first, SOBT was a bit of a step back for M. She started in the ‘First Steps’ class. She had class one day a week instead of the two she was accustomed to. The classes were very much back to the basics. No recitals. No performances.
We parents worried about this change, since M was already used to doing two performances a year, and when it came time for rectials, she was anchoring her dances. She even got to be the girl under Mother Ginger’s skirts one year. (see the video on the blog). M was very sage about this return to the beginning. Her take was that she’d spend a year in First Steps, then move up. To hear her explain it, it was worth it to learn at SOBT, because it was ‘real’ ballet; she could tell the difference. I Had to admire a 7 year old turning 8 for having such a mature view.
So, it was a quiet year of Saturday morning ballet class. C and M attended most of the OBT shows, just to study ballet as an art form and to get familiar with performance at that level. That was pretty much it.
Then, last June, when I was downtown for a Portland Business Journal event, I walked by the Performing Arts Center. The place was mobbed. Mobbed in such a familiar way. It was recital night for Westside Dance Academy. Girls and boys of all sizes and ages were everywhere, in costume, triumphant. I felt a pang of regret for M. The big night was going on, and she’d taken a year to restart. She didn’t get a chance to dance on stage this year.
I stopped for a few minutes to absorb the energy of a Westside recital night. A Mom and Dad had their little girl between them, holding hands, swinging her in the middle as they walked down the street. Somehow, I ended up in a conversation with them. I asked the little girl how the dance went, and shared that my eight year old daughter used to dance with Westside too. We talked about her teacher, and what song she danced to. The parents asked about my daughter, and I tried to exude humility when I shared that she now dances for the School of Oregon Ballet Theater. Their eyebrows snapped up in surprise, “Really?!? Wow!”
“Well, I attribute my daughter’s acceptance on the quality of the program you’re already involved in. Westside is a good place, good people, and a good program.”
The Dad said, “Well it looks like we made the right choice. Good luck to you and your daughter. You must be very proud.”
“Just as you are, I’m sure!” I smiled. Then they were off, swinging down the sidewalk. As I walked to my car, I didn’t feel quite so sure. The doubt snuck in. Did we really do the right thing for M? I hoped so.
Well, yesterday was promotion day at SOBT. M did indeed get promoted to Level 1. Just like she planned. She’ll be back to dancing two days a week (Tues and Thurs, after school). But that’s not all.
She’s been invited to audition for a role in The OBT Nutcracker. There’s no promise of a part; she’s just been asked to audition.
Nevertheless, this is the Nutcracker in Oregon during the holidays - the George Balanchine choreography as produced by Christopher Stowell.
M has danced on that same stage before – at summer recitals for Westside. But now she’ll at least have the chance to be considered for a few moments in the big one in Portland.
How could I possibly be more proud of her. Time will tell whether SOBT was the right choice for M. At this point, it sure seems like it.
Time for me to relax a little and enjoy the ride. I think. Can I get myself into that headspace?
My son made a life choice recently. He’s not quite twelve; big life choices are new territory for him. R’s been going to gymnastics class for, what, six years now? He’s been on the competitive team for two years. Blog readers may recall that he placed second in state individually, back in March.
But his coach left, moving on to a new life as a husband and a new father with his new wife. They’re now in New Mexico as she finishes her studies to be an Anesthetist.
Gymnastics, for R, was about his relationship with his coach. And about his love for doing that sort of activity. Not about competition.
I think he has quietly been seeking another place to put his athletic attention for some time now. So, when his Mom asked him if there was something the two of them could do together, could share together, he immediately said ‘Fencing!!’
And so, that’s what they do. They go to Fencing class. R loves it. I see him ‘on fire’ about Fencing in a way he never was about gymnastics. For that, I am relieved. C really enjoys it, too. She finds dance in it. R, of course, finds swashbuckling fun and endless layers of complexity in it. That’s what keeps him engaged.
R is selling his gym gear. His mushroom, etc. The proceeds will go to the purchase of his own 
fencing gear… and probably his own gym membership for a while. Just to see if he 1) loves it enough to fund it himself, 2) buys in mentally because he’s the one paying for it now, or 3) a bit of both.
So, farewell to Gymnastics. Hello to Fencing. The family blog should see more fencing over time. I’m adding a new category to the blog for Fencing.
Finally, the Spleen gets some respect, as written by Natalie Angier in the New York Times today:
“…the spleen is a reservoir for huge numbers of immune cells called monocytes, and that in the event of a serious trauma to the body like a heart attack, gashing wound or microbial invasion, the spleen will disgorge those monocyte multitudes into the bloodstream to tackle the crisis.
“The parallel in military terms is a standing army,” said Matthias Nahrendorf, an author of the report. “You don’t want to have to recruit an entire fighting force from the ground up every time you need it.”
There was a lot of GOOD in the weekend that just finished. It’s a tough time, but there’s good in it.
This is a tough time, but we increasingly feel lucky. And hopeful. And disciplined.
And now, home sales are on the increase. First time buyers are getting their houses; those home owners who’ve just sold are now (finally) shopping their step-up homes. The stock market is showing a sustained rally; the jobless rate is increasing, but coasting to a plateau. My job is steady; C has in increasing queue of contract work she can take on. There’s prosperity here that I wish I’d been able to find in the last recession.
Last night, C kept asking my why I had paint in my hair, just above my temple. I kept telling her I hadn’t been doing any painting. Eventually, she came over for a closer look. “Nope, those are gray hairs just forming. They’re gray on the ends and working backward.” she said with a tone reserved for a fellow comrade, “I think you’ve earned those medals in the past few months. Thanks for steering us through tough times.”
We’ve had to face fear and uncertainty for so long, we’re starting to see a way out. We’ll have some scars and some gray hairs…but we’re coming out.
More disciplined than ever.
